


Hurt Me Once

by cana_merula



Series: Sing To Me Instead [works inspired by songs by Ben Platt] [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: First Kiss, Idiots in Love, Jealous Crowley (Good Omens), Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24096157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cana_merula/pseuds/cana_merula
Summary: Crowley didn't think he would be the jealous type. But until the Apocalypse-That-Wasn't the angel never had anyone else in his life. He would not even call Crowley his friend for a long time.Aziraphale has changed. Sometimes he has this look on his face and Crowley doesn't know how to read him anymore.Or:The one where Crowley didn't realized the new look on Aziraphale's face was love.[Can be read alone.]
Relationships: Aziraphale & Anathema Device, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Sing To Me Instead [works inspired by songs by Ben Platt] [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726789
Comments: 4
Kudos: 99





	Hurt Me Once

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody!  
> This is part of a series of songfics and fics inspired by Ben Platt's album "Sing To Me Instead". Many of the songs have an Ineffable Husbands vibe to me. The title of this work also comes from one of the songs, so if you want to, you can listen to "Hurt me Once" while reading this.  
> English is not my first language, so if there are any errors, please tell me.  
> And now: Have fun reading!

Crowley didn't think he would be the jealous type. But until the Apocalypse-That-Wasn't the angel never had anyone else in his life. There were some people he used to trade books with, some authors he would talk to sometimes – mostly letters. And there were the other angels of course, but nobody that he would call a friend. Nobody in six thousand years. He would not even call Crowley his friend for a long part of that time.  
They grew used to each other slowly, and they also developed all those little habits between the two of them. And sometimes it was so easy to form one. Crowley wouldn't hesitate to accept Aziraphale’s invitation to the theatre, the opera or the movies and afterwards he would drive them to Soho and park a few blogs away from the bookshop. They would slowly wander through the night and he would ask himself every time, how it would be to hold the Angels hand in this moment. How would Aziraphale react if he dared to?  
When they reach the bookshop, they would share a bottle of wine between the bookshelves and Crowley would smile every time Aziraphale wasn't looking. He would pour the wine for the angel and they would sit close together. Sometimes Aziraphale would recite poetry or an epic or a play, when he had drunk just enough alcohol to make the words flow easily and not so much that he can't form a clear sentence. And the demon would hide his blush by curling up on the couch and pretending to sleep.

Right now, this closeness seems a million years away. They don't do all these little things anymore. And Crowley isn't able to read more into it anymore. The little touches that gave him hope that there could be something more… Aziraphale is different somehow, even though he never really changed before. Sometimes he has this look on his face and Crowley doesn't know how to read him anymore.  
When they were standing on that damn air base in Tadfield, after all of it went down, he thought there was something in the angel’s eyes. He nearly asked him then and there, but something held him back. Maybe he was a coward after all. The next time he saw him the look was gone and Aziraphale was awkward around him. The last time he behaved like that was before the Arrangement.

Aziraphale’s laughter disrupts his thoughts. The angel is in his backroom talking on the phone with that girl again. In the past he never let anything short of divine intervention get between him and a night in with Crowley. But now he has to take calls from Anathema that would be ten minutes at least and the demon is left alone in the book shop. It doesn't even seem like Aziraphale realizes what he's doing. He just leaves with a “You don't mind?“ and some evenings it takes everything in Crowley not to scream how much he does actually mind. He feels so lonely every time the Angel leaves like that and it's weird because he never felt like that before and it's not like he just fell in love with him a few weeks ago – no it was centuries ago.  
He wonders if Aziraphale finally figured out what he feels for him and if that is the reason why he is so guarded around the demon. Siding with the Angel at the Armageddon't was a dead give-away after all. You don't defy heaven and hell for anything short of love. Of course, Crowley also loves earth and humanity, but he would never admit that. And it is certainly not the same love that he feels for Aziraphale. He was ready to leave earth, but not without the Angel. He is the most important being in existence for him.  
And that was the thing, wasn't it? Aziraphale didn't wanted to leave with him and therefore Crowley stayed, too. Because he didn't have any other choice. If Aziraphale stays, he stays. There is no other way. The Angel is everything he has to lose. And he really hopes he isn't losing him right now.

Aziraphale comes back from the phone call and sits down with a polite smile that doesn't really reach his eyes. He drinks from his wine and remains silent for a minute. Crowley knows he is hiding something, but he cannot figure out what. There is something that he talks about with Anathema, that he doesn't discuss with him. Crowley wishes that he isn't the topic they are talking about, but he suspects he is. And he wishes that if Aziraphale really did discover what he feels for him and this is the end of their friendship, that he would just get it over with quickly. Just imagining losing him hurts, but he can't do anything else. Not seeing Aziraphale hurts even more. So, he continues to turn up whenever the Angel calls him, because he doesn't have another choice. He loves him and can't deny him whatever he wants.  
Crowley’s heart had decided on Aziraphale a long time ago. Even as far back as at the Garden, when the Angel lifted his wing above his head, there was this soft feeling in his heart. This nagging feeling, like this is a really important divine being. Like it's him. It's going to be him. And since then the feeling hasn't faded – but transformed. It changed from a polite acquaintance to friendship to love. He is too deep in it now to go back to how it was before. Maybe he never really had a chance. Maybe he was destined to fall in love with the angel. Maybe it was part of Gods blessed ineffable plan. Maybe it's her idea of punishment for his Falling. He wouldn’t put it past her.

If Aziraphale continues to behave so coldly to him, Crowley will start to forget all the good experiences they made together. Their evenings with good wines and good conversation are already taken over by Aziraphale’s phone calls. What will happen next? Will the book girl join them in the book shop? Will she eat with them in their favourite restaurants, will she go to the theatre with them? Will the angel smile at her and laugh with her and let him slowly die on the sofa beside them? Will she wind her way in every habit and every good memory Crowley formed over the years? Will he start to think about her when he hears the word „crepes“?  
Even thinking about something like that happening feels like a betrayal. Aziraphale is betraying their friendship every time he brings up that girl, or the witchfinder or the kids and acts like it doesn’t mean anything. Like he doesn’t use those humans as an excuse to get away from Crowley. There is only one reason, that Crowley could imagine, why the angel would distance himself from the demon, especially after the Armageddon't. Aziraphale found out about his feelings and doesn’t feel the same way. And instead of breaking his heart and hurting his best friend, he wants to let him down gently.

Crowley takes another sip of his wine and tries to calm his dark thoughts. Why can’t he enjoy the precious moments he has left with Aziraphale? If he closes his eyes, maybe he can pretend that everything is back to normal, that the angel will not break his heart soon. He knows that he can’t do anything if the Angel hurts him. He could never do anything to him; even in the beginning he never seriously thought about hurting him. Of course, he will feel really bad – maybe even worse than after his Fall – but he never would be able to hate Aziraphale for it and he had a lot of time to try to forgive him.  
And he would forgive him, would always forgive him, even if it takes him centuries.

“Crowley, my dear, are you okay?“, Aziraphale asks him.  
The demon keeps his eyes shut, only now realizing how panicked his breathing has become and that there are tears in his eyes. Crying is such a human thing to do, but right now all he wants is to roll up in his bed and cry until he feels numb and gets tired enough to fall asleep. He wishes his sunglasses would be within reach, but he put them down on a bookcase a few meters away. He can't hide behind them right now.  
“Crowley, you scare me.“  
He hears the angel standing up and crossing the space between them. He takes three deep breaths to try to calm down, and then opens his eyes.  
Aziraphale looks worried and his eyes widen a little bit as he catches Crowley’s gaze and sees the tears that are swimming in his eyes. He sinks to his knees right in front of Crowley and reaches one hand out but stops right before touching him.  
“Can you tell me what is happening?“, he asks softly.  
“I'm not sure it would be good to tell you“, the demon answers, his voice breaking.  
“Well, you don't have to, of course. But I hope you know that you can always tell me anything, my dear.“  
“I'm not so sure about that either.“  
“But you can be, Crowley. Whatever it is, we can figure it out together. We figured out the apocalypse, for somebody’s sake. As long as we are together, we can fix it.“  
“If I tell you, you might not think like that anymore, Angel. You're all that I have to lose, but I can't lose you right now. If I tell you...“  
Crowley can’t hold the tears back anymore. He lets his head fall into his hands and sobs quietly. It’s all too much. After a moment he feels Aziraphale’s hands on his shoulders and he freezes up.  
“Nothing you tell me could ever make me leave you. I will always be by your side, as long as you want me.“  
He sounds so honest; Crowley really wants to believe him. Wants to believe that nothing could drive him away. That he will not hurt him. He opens his eyes and even though he couldn’t really read Aziraphale in the past weeks, he cannot see any lie on his face right now. The angel swipes his tears away and Crowley can't hold back anymore. This gentle touch is just to much for him.  
“Just, if you have to hurt me, hurt me once“, he mumbles before he can stop himself.  
“Hurt you? I could never hurt you.“  
There is this look in his eyes again, the new one, but Crowley can’t stop now. He already said too much, and he can’t spend another day afraid that Aziraphale will leave him. This will end now, one way or another.  
„I love you.“

Crowley closes his eyes again and awaits his destiny. He waits for a gasp, for Aziraphale’s hands to leave his body, for a curse, for a rejection, for the hurt. But nothing happens. There is still an angel kneeling in front of him and there are still hands softly framing his face. He waits another moment before opening his eyes. The look in Aziraphale’s eyes is even deeper now and he smiles so much he seems to glow.  
“That’s good because I love you, too.“  
“You do?“  
“Of course, I do. You are the most important person in the whole of creation for me. I think I love you for a long time now, but I didn’t realize it before the world nearly ended and I nearly lost you. I was trying to figure out how to tell you in the last weeks. I was nervous how you would react, so I spoke with Anathema and she talked me down and gave me some advice. I am sorry, if I knew you were afraid to lose me, I would have told you sooner. I just wanted everything to be perfect, I wanted a picknick in the park, but it was so cold in the last week. And I wanted to get tickets to that show you like, but the main actor is ill and I couldn’t just miracle him well...“  
Crowley decides to interrupt Aziraphale’s rambling with a kiss.

Kissing Aziraphale for the first time feels better than driving the Bentley at full speed with Queen blasting from the radio. It feels better than drinking the best red wine in existence and better than the sun on the skin of his snake form. It feels better than dining at the Ritz and better than a Shakespearean comedy. It feels better than scaring his plants into perfection and even better than defying Heaven and Hell at the End of the World.  
The only thing Crowley can in the slightest compare to kissing Aziraphale for the first time is his faint memory of creating galaxies. Every kiss feels like a star between them, tingling on his lips and making him shiver. The angel’s eyes shine bright like a sun when they finally separate from each other to lean their foreheads together. There are new tears in Crowley’s eyes now, but they’re tears of joy and he is grinning, feeling so much love he could burst with it. And suddenly he understands what that look on Aziraphale’s face must be. Love. He feels silly, thinking that the Angel would ever hurt him like that, and that he didn’t recognized that he hadn’t been distant, but rather nervous around Crowley in the last weeks. But mostly Crowley feels happy. Really happy and loved.  
„I love you“, he repeats his confession and this time he can see Aziraphale’s reaction. How the look of love flashes in his bright eyes, how his smile deepens, and his shoulders shake a little bit as if a shiver would be running down his wings.  
„I love you, Crowley. And I promise, that I will never hurt you and you will never lose me.“ And he never sounded so sure about anything in his life.

This promise may not be enough to keep the dark thoughts out of Crowley’s mind for ever, but it was enough for now.  
It was enough to know, that they decided on each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
